Say a funny joke

[hawndragon]

A man goes into a bar and orders a drink. He tells the bartender to make it a double. After he downs his drink he looks into his shirt poket. He orders five more drinks and after every drink he looks into his shirt pocket. Finally, the bartender ask the man why is looking into his pocket every time he downs his drink? The man replies "its a picture of my wife, when she starts to look good I go home.

[Minn. Fatz]

more nun fun:
 
A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle of Scotch. The owner says, "we don't get many nuns in here buying booze, what's up?" The nun says, "oh, this is for the Mother Superior's constipation."
 
When the liquor store owner closes up he sees the nun down the block, lying in the gutter with the bottle about finished.
 
"Hey, I thought you said that was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
 
"Thash right, Mac, every time she shees me like thish she just ****S!"

[Minn. Fatz]

This city fellow, former newspaper editor, sees the handwriting on the wall and decides to take an early retirement and move to the wilds of Montana. It's nice and peaceful, not many neighbors. One day a mountain man comes and knocks on his door.
 
"Howdy, neighbor. How about a party to welcome ye to the neighborhood?"
 
"Sounds good to me."
 
"Well, now, I gotta warn ya, there probably's gonna be some drinkin' at this party."
 
"That's fine by me, I've been known to have a drink or two."
 
"Good, good. But I gotta tell ya, after the drinkin' there probably's gonna be some fightin' too."
 
"If that's the custom, I think I can take care of myself."
 
"Good, good. But I gotte let ya know, after the drinkin' and the fightin' there probably's gonna be some lovemakin' too."
 
"That sounds OK, it can get pretty lonely up here, can't it?"
 
"That's fer sure. OK, come around my place over yonder about eight tomorrow night."
 
"I'll be there. Say, what should I wear to this party of yours?"
 
"Wear? Well, don't much matter I guess. There's only gonna be you and me."

[faygo]

The Video poker Gods have been a little angry lately. Let's see if this lightens up their attitude.
 
THINGS TO DO AT WALMART WHILE YOUR SPOUSE IS TAKING HER SWEET TIME.
 
1- Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2- set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3- Make a tomato juice trail on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4- Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, Code 3 in Housewares and see what happens.
5- Go to the Service desk and put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6- Move a caution Wet Floor sign to a carpeted area.
7- Set up a tent in the camping dept. and tell other shoppers they can join you if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8- When a sales clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask why can't you people just leave me alone?
9- Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10- While handling guns in the Hunting dept., ask the clerk if he knows where the ati-depressants are.
11- Dart around the store acting suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
12- in the Auto dept practice your Madonna Look using different size funnels.
13- Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say PICK ME! PICK ME!
14-When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream NO!NO! It's those voices again.
And last but not least:
Number 15- Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here".

[Eduardo]

[oej719]

This lady was driving thru Northern Arizona in the hottest part of the summer. She noticed a elderly Navajo lady walking to her home along the dusty highway. She stopped to pick her up to ride to the next turnoff.
She got into the car and never said a word, just slowly looked at everything. She locked her eyes on the brown paper sack on the front seat next to the driver and asked what in the bag? The lady was relieved that the Navajo woman finally spoke and answered " Its a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband."
A short silence took place.
Then the navajo women said seriously
"Good trade"

[BOOPSAHOY]

Good one oej!

[oej719]

A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!"

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says, "That'll be $2.50." The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, "You're a little short!"

A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it!

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anyone."

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not", then disappeared.

A Kabbalist walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A pony walks into a bar and coughs, "Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, "What's with your voice?" The pony says, "Nothing, I'm just a little hoarse."

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"

[chuck arl]

As our ole' friend Rodney D. once said, "Always look out for number 1, and don't step in number 2 !!!---CWA---

[bicyclecardplayer]

Two pretzels walked into a bar---one was assaulted.