Let the funny jokes continue

[mightwin]

It's long, but will have you in tears by the end....
 
Diary of a snow shoveler
December 8, 6p - It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a while Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't this that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20 degrees. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freeszer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a$$ on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room
December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white sh*t fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the a$$hole is lying.
December 23 - Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24 - 6", snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-b*tch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25 - Merry f!*$%ing Christmas. 20 more inches of the *@&$%!+^# slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm giong to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves,
December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 - Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The B*TCH is driving me crazy! ! !
December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his a$$. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling
January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[Lizzy15]

 
You're right, Lizzy, I'll start putting my short-term strategy funnies over in that thread.  OIC.........those were all jokes. Well, carry on then !(Note to self........shred list of accumulated short term strategies.......)

[mightwin]

I guess I should apologize to those of you in snow country.  I just thought it was funny, I had tears running down my face from laughing so hard.  I lived in snow country for years.  I remember going out every 2 hours to shovel just to try to keep driveway clear to get car in garage.  Have been in many blizzards. 
 
Hope you enjoyed.  Sorry if you didn't.

[GrannyJ]

mightwin:
Never lived in snow country.  So will take your word for the beating this guy took.
I thought your joke was great.  No tears in my eyes but plenty of laugh out louds.
 

[mightwin]

You thought it'd never happen...

[BOOPSAHOY]

good one mightwin!

[feline57]

High Stakes


A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher: "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher says "Yes", so the man said: "I bet you $50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there." The butcher says "I'm not betting on that." "But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts. "Yes I am" says the butcher "but the steaks are too high.


 
feline57

[oej719]

This is the bozo's exercise program. Enjoy.

Just so you guys stay in shape.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb. potato sacks.

Then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

[redleg]

A guy with no arms or legs is sitting on the beach.
 
Three women approach him. 
 
One asks him if he has ever been kissed.  He says no, so she gives him a kiss.
 
The second asks him if he has ever been hugged.  He says no, so she hugs him.
 
The third asks him if he has ever been f****d.  He says no, and she replies, "you are going to be when the tide comes in". 

[JIMDUECE`SWILD]

Little Johnny sitting on the park bench. He`s eating a candy bar, after candy bar, after candy bar.
There`s an old man sitting next to him and says," Sonny you shouldn`t be eating all that candy. It will make you fat, you can get acne, you can get diabetes. You really shouldn`t eat all that candy".
 
Little Johnny says, " You know my grandfather lived to be 102".
 
Old man says, "Did he eat alot of candy"?
 
Little Johnny says, " No, He minded his own business"!!!