Leaked TV Show Document

[Minn. Fatz]

The following sensitive document from a popular New York City-based late
night talk show was reportedly thrown over the transom of a well-known
TV critic. Given its confidential nature it was chosen to make it known
to the world on the Anything and Everything section of VP.com. Read it
and weep.------------------------------------------------------
Late Night with Stephen Colbert - standard script outline

Important note: make sure to leave plenty of time for commercials

Opening theme: make it sound like a child with special needs trying to play “Hot Cross Buns” on a plastic toy

Host appears: does white frat boy dance with members of the band, audience

Lackluster monologue: the more phoned-in this sounds the better

Desultory,
obligatory and impotent complaint about sponsors: a spoonful of sugar
substitute to help the consumerist medicine go down

Short “comedy”
bit: either steal a recurring feature idea from some other talk show
(e.g. “New Rules” from Bill Maher) and dress it up with some prop (e.g.
furry Mongolian hat) or pawn off some trite, shopworn ridicule
as biting satire (e.g. Trump, Oreos) or gentle ribbing of some minority
group(s) (e.g. Buddhists, Jews -- esp. liked the High Holy Days song
that sounded like R. Lee Ermey in “Full Metal Jacket,” great idea, just
remember we don’t make similar jokes about
Christianity)

Fawning interview with celebrity: standard late night fare

Fawning interview
with Presidential candidate, CEO, Supreme Court Justice, et. al.: watch
out for any substantive questions or implications candidate/CEO/Justice
et. al. is not God’s Anointed doing His Work on the
Earth, these will be hunted down and those responsible exterminated
before airtime!

Musical guest:
the more atonal and incomprehensible the better, listeners should be
left wondering if guest knows how to play any musical instruments and/or
any songs in English so they can feel that much more “hip”
and “down with it” after sitting through another hour-long argument for
the status quo

Sign-off and closing theme: “Hot Cross Buns” again

Note: if you
should ever start feeling like a shill for the corporate establishment,
just compare the numbers on your latest paycheck to the one you got when
you were on basic cable. Oh, and keep those other numbers
up or that’s where you’ll be headed. Have a nice day.

[Tedlark]

Where's Johnny Carson when we need him most?????????

[Galeygoo]

Have to agree there, Ted. I think if any current late night host took a course in:   Heeere's Johnny 101 they wouldn't be able to even find the way to the classroom.

[olds442jetaway]

IMO nobody on late night can hold a candle to Heeeere's Johnny (C). I just relived part of the movie " The Shining" too. Been years since I have seen it. That was a great scene with Jack Nicholson's bizarre face poking through the smashed door.

[DaBurglar]

I liked Johnny carson, but you are being less than honest if you do not accept that, in his last 3 years or so on the air, Johnny had pretty much lost the touch he used to have in his prime, and he probably should have retired several years sooner......still, he was an icon.But I do not think that his successors (such as letterman and even Conan) are all that bad....I did not think much of Jay Leno in his later years, just like Johnny, towards the end of Leno's run, he was awful.   And he totally screwed over Conan O'brien in terms of Conan being able to secure his own legacy and continuity after the shake up when Leno tried to retire the first time.....at least Conan got a fat check from all that chaos when Leno decided to "un-retire" and cause Conan to be booted off the stage.Jimmy Fallon is ok, and I think he is at least sincere in his desire to do a good job and he does not take himself too seriously, which is GOOD for his type of humor and show....but you have to really LIKE Fallon's style in order to enjoy his show night after night, and I personally do not LIKE him that much....Colbert, so far, is awful......

[Minn. Fatz]

After The Colbert Report I think we had reason to hope for better, but after two weeks of bland, uncritical, vast wasteland TV I despair. I just don't see him taking on the network suits like Letterman, let alone walking off over a censored joke like Paar. He sold out but won't admit it to us. We'll see soon what the re-hosted Daily Show on his own network has to offer.